Last year, I dedicated my daily November drawings to Movember, drawing a different style of moustache every day. As I got toward the end of the month, I ran out of styles and had to take some creative liberties by making up some of my own. This year, I thought it would be fun to come up with some moustache alternatives to help inspire people who can’t grow a moustache but still want to take part by growing one for a month.
Day 1 – Finger
To kick things off, I would say the go-to fake tash is just putting your finger up to your nose and having a laugh. Some people even took the joke a step further and tattooed one on their finger as an extra goof. I wonder how the people who have those are doing nowadays.
Day 2 – Caterpillar
There are a lot of creepy crawlies that can be used as an odd alternative to a moustache, a few I will discuss later in the month, but for now, we focus on Caterpillars. All you gotta do is keep them docile so you don’t have them crawling all over your face and end up being stuck with a sleeping caterpillar turning your brow into a colourful unibrow. I feel like the best way to do this is to create a little nest of leaves on your upper lip to keep them comfy and make sure that no other place on your face is interesting enough for it. Unless you plan on dressing head to toe in nature, then I feel like you’ll overstimulate the poor critter.
Day 3 – Sausage
Not the best choice, but surely a delicious one. Commonly chosen by the carnivores of the world as a kind of vegan deterrent, the sausage stache comes in all shapes and sizes depending on what you desire. Whether you wanna keep it calm with a cocktail sauce or show off with a smoked kielbasa, there’s a sausage out there for everyone! Just make sure you plan ahead with this one because I feel like if you walk too close to a dog park, you’ll have a stampede scenario on your hands.
Day 4 – Banana
As a way to retaliate against the carnivores, the vegans decided the best moustache to beat them at their own game would be a banana. A symbol of solidarity, as no matter what shape or size, it’ll always be a banana. Plus, to help with wastage, when it gets too brown and mushy to wear, just save it for a banana bread recipe and grab another one from the bunch. Just be sure to keep it in the peel; otherwise, you’re just inviting people to grab it for a mid-morning snack already peeled for their convenience.
Day 5 – Sparklers
On a day for remembering an explosive plot, why not brandish something just as dangerous? If you’re a fan of spectacle and don’t mind singeing off your eyebrows, try out a sparkler stache! I mean, when it comes to dangerous facial hair, I guess you could step it up by strapping a couple of rockets to your face. Then again, that’ll probably just end up with you sporting a skull like you’ve gotten dressed up for Halloween about a week too late.
Day 6 – Bundle of Worms
If you feel like your style is based around wriggling and being funky, then why not try out a worm moustache to keep your look fresh? You can’t get any fresher by just plucking a few of these buggers out of the ground and sticking them above your gob, although you should also pick up some fresh mud while you’re at it so you can stick ’em down. That way, they won’t go worming their way elsewhere. A word of warning, if you decide on this style, keep an eagle eye on those skies. The last thing you want is to be a walking buffet for birds.
Day 7 – Comb
With the theme of this month’s drawings being centred around a hairless society finding substitutes, why not use something that has been made completely redundant? Not only does it already somewhat resemble a moustache, but they can come in all sorts of shapes and qualities to best showcase your self-worth. The only thing I’d consider is length, cause having a vent cover for your mouth would probably leave some disgusting crumbs if you tried to push food through that thing.
Day 8 – Bees
I’ve seen this done with full-on beards and even covering the whole body, head to toe, so surely it’s a lot safer and easier just limiting bees to your tache. All you gotta do is smear some honey on your top lip and just let the little buggers come to you. Although now that I’m thinking this plan through, I can only see two outcomes. One being that you’ll catch no bees and end up with a random assortment of bugs and things caught in it like a trap, and the other being that you’ll also catch no bees and attract bears. Both scenarios seem equally bad in my head.
Day 9 – Blades of Grass
It’s not particularly my thing, but I know a lot of people out there love the smell of freshly mown grass. For those of you, why not take a little patch with you everywhere you go? Just under your nose so you can keep that sweet smell you love close by, especially for those who may have to deal with more unsightly scents. Traditionally, you could just bundle up a bunch of clippings and style them into a particular shape to wear. However, I offer up the more natural selection. Dive deeper into the theme of overgrowth and nature taking over, and just dig up a patch of turf and wear it with pride.
Day 10 – Spaghetti
Depending on who you’re with, eating anything drenched in a sauce can be a messy ordeal. One of those dishes, especially, is always a plate of spaghetti. So rather than look like a fool with food all over your face, own it and just rock up with a stylish plate of it already there. Make it your own, whether it is with a dash of parmesan for added flavour, or a sprinkling of fresh basil or parsley if you’re feeling fancy. Just make sure there’s nobody tailing you with a fork, cause I’m sure they’re exceptionally eager for some spaghetti if they’re willing to eat it off a stranger’s face.
Day 11 – String
The great thing about string is how versatile it can be, and how it comes in all colours and forms. If you want to be bold but also swap things out every day, use this to make a bunch of various moustache styles. Hell, maybe just go crazy and coil it around your head and say you’re 100% tache. The world is your oyster.
Day 12 – Carved Wood
Want something that’s a little bit sturdy? Why not try a nice, sleek, carved wooden moustache! You can either grab a block and carve your own design, or just shove a twig under your nose and bend it the way you want. I mean, if people of the past could have wooden dentures and peg legs, why not replace some hair with a nice bit of oak or cedar? Let’s just hope you don’t live near termites.
Day 13 – Pencil
Ever get so frustrated with an art piece or with something that you’re writing that you just snap your pencil right then and there? Well, most people would throw away the chunks, and some would be delighted because with some sharpening, you’d end up with 2 pencils! However, if you felt the need to showcase your rage in the strangest way, you can always strap the corpse of your pencil to your face like a totem warning strangers of what you’re capable of.
Day 14 – Slime
I know there might not be a lot of them out there, but I fear there are some individuals who thrive on the days when something gets stuck in their tache. For those special cases, this one is for you! If you want to upgrade your chances and swing for a 100% catch rate, mix up a batch of super sticky slime and mould that into a shape for your upper lip. Now you can walk around and catch things with ease. Just be sure to regularly pick out what you catch; otherwise, you’ll be leaving bait to catch things too big even for your slimy moustache to handle.
Day 15 – Bubbles
For a long time, bubble beards have been sweeping when it comes to using suds as facial hair. I say we should trim it back, give taches a chance to shine and use less suds in the process. That gives the chance for more people to rock a bubble moustache, and we can all just glisten and look stylish at the same time. Unless it’s raining and/or really windy, otherwise nothing is going to stick.
Day 16 – Snake
Since they tend to be boring logs of hair, you can’t really seek companionship with a moustache. If you’d rather have a friend take up the space, why not invest in a tiny pet that can rest there, and you can take them on all kinds of adventures? For now, a lovely snake will do, but I’m sure other options are out there if you know where to look.
Day 17 – Dirt
Now, for those who saw the joy of having a patch of grass as a moustache but wanted something a little extra, you can always try dirt! They say mud is great for the skin, but I’m sure having a little garden on your face would be good for your soul. I’ve started here with a couple of little sprouts, but I say go for gold. Whoever can grow some kind of crop this way deserves at least a medal.
Day 18 – Rebar
Some people love to show off. In most cases, when it comes to facial hair, a lot of people like to flaunt it and style it in bizarre ways. However, if you can’t grow it but still want to show off your skills like they do, then find something to do it with. For example, if you’re tough as nails and want to make it clear how strong you are to the people around you, grab some rebar and bend that into a nice shape. Then take that metal, strap it to your face and parade it to the public. Just make sure you also have cardio under your belt because I’m sure the construction workers you stole that rebar from will eagerly want it back, or beat you up for messing with their supply.
Day 19 – Bubblegum
Accidents happen. We can’t fault them; they’re just bound to occur eventually one way or another. So rather than be embarrassed, how about you embrace some and wear it with pride! For this particular stache, I recommend shoving about 10 pieces of bubblegum straight in your gob and doing some jaw training exercises until the only way to breathe again is through blowing the biggest bubble you can. That way, when it pops and sticks to your face, you can showcase how extravagant that bubble was.
Day 20 – Seaweed
Known as the highest symbol of bravery, these types of taches are worn by all kinds of sea creatures whenever they need a boost in courage. It makes sense given how dark and dangerous the open waters can be, but I’m sure with those leafy greens showcasing how macho they are, they can handle anything the sea throws at them. So if you’re ever out for a swim and feel the weeds tugging at your legs, pluck ’em and strap them to your lip! It might save you from a shark attack if they pop up and see you looking like a badass.
Day 21 – Pipe Cleaners
Now this is a moustache for the party goers! Someone who loves a pop of colour and something fuzzy scraping against their face while they bust a move at the club. The best thing about this style is that you don’t have to stop at just a couple of cleaners. You can add as many as you want! Get wild and have 4, 8, 16, hell, I challenge you to cram 100 of those puppies into a moustache shape and flaunt it on a night out. Just make sure it’s not raining since I feel like having a soggy pipe cleaner on your face would be excruciating.
Day 22 – Fake Teeth
A lot of people say that the best feature someone can have is their smile. For those people, I’m sure they’d love this style of stache, where you stick a bunch of fake teeth to your upper lip so you can take your smile to the extreme. Then again, I feel like a more hardcore option would be just removing your upper lip and having your actual top teeth be your moustache. Guess it all depends on how far you’re willing to go to show off your smile.
Day 23 – Sardines
Not really for me, but I know a few people who can’t resist the smell of fresh brine whenever they pop open a jar of pickles or crack open a tin of mystery fish. If you wanna have that strong punch of fragrance always with you, then skip just having bits of fish stuck to your lip after a tuna sandwich and go all in! Either catch the little critters fresh from the sea, or find your favourite flavour of fish in a can and strap them to your face for a delightful treat. Although if I were you, I’d orient them the other way so their heads are under your blind spot; otherwise, you’ll just have to get used to them staring up at you all day.
Day 24 – Flowers
It’s time to smell the roses, or whatever kind of flowers you enjoy! This style is perfect for those who love to take the time to enjoy the flowers on long walks, or even just want a bouquet of colour to brighten up their look. However, I would not recommend this stache for someone who is allergic to bees since wearing this will probably make you a magnet for them.
Day 25 – Lemon Wedge
Some people just want to look fresh, but what if you could look it and feel it at the same time? Now you can, with a good, old-fashioned lemon wedge for a tache, you can look dapper and have a lovely citrus smell to accompany you. Perfect for a night on the town, especially if you’re hopping between a few bars, since if your tache gets a bit dry, you can just replace it with a garnish of your choice that’s behind the bar. Just be sure to use your manners and not take them outright; otherwise, you’ll just be pissing off a bartender for swiping their sides.
Day 26 – Fries
I feel like we’ve all, at one point or another, gotten so hungry that we just shovel fries into our mouths like some kind of human hoover. Well, to capture that essence, you can just wear a tache of fries to create that feast of an illusion. You can also customise it to your liking, whether you mix and match with a plethora of sauces to dip your tips in or use any kind of seasoning to help set a tone with your look.
Hell, you could even go crazy and swap out the kind of fry! Feeling fancy? Whip out some curly fries! Want to stand out? Shake things up with some sweet potato fries? Want to look like a car? Shove a bunch of waffle fries on your face and make it look like a grille! The world is yours to do with, just for the love of god, stay clear of seagulls.
Day 27 – Spider
When people think of moustaches, there is a certain style or fashion sense that comes to mind. However, I’d say most don’t think of monsters when they think of a moustache, but I guess that changed a little with the latest Nosferatu. Nevertheless, the only way to do a monster tache justice is with the help of creepy crawlies. Where some would use a bat as a tie, I think it’s a lot better to have a spider be a centrepiece to help both attract attention and send fear into others if you pose it in a way that makes it look like it’s about to lunge. The only question now is, would you prefer one big spider or a thousand little ones to help build up your stache?
Day 28 – Cheese Puff
Not particularly the best kind of tache you can have, but a great one if you’re a lover of cheese. I mean, sure, it’ll coat your lips in crumbs and will probably stain your skin orange, but do those cons outweigh having that fresh, cheesy smell right under your nose for hours on end? Wait, yeah, that’s also a big no. Guess there are no good sides to this style, it’s only semi-decent if you want to get a quick laugh out of someone not expecting a wotsit moustache.
Day 29 – Plaster
As we draw close to the end of the month, we honour all of the fallen. Whether it was a tache that got too dirty, a stache that wasn’t agreed upon, or a moustache that was trimmed too much and had to be erased, they are all noble sacrifices, and we acknowledge them for the cause. To those soldiers, we salute you and honour your memory with a plaster, to cover the scars that could’ve occurred when scalping your lip bare. May you rise from the ashes and grow fuller the next time you come around. Until then, rest easy.
Day 30 – Toothpaste
With Christmas around the corner, I bet you were expecting something festive to help transition into December. I could’ve done a sparkly number with some tinsel or maybe made a lovely, frosted gingerbread moustache. Yeah, that’s not happening, I’m afraid, I’m pulling a humbug and saying you should be festive by smearing toothpaste on your lip and calling it a day. I mean, you could use candy canes, but where’s the fun in that?? If it’s gonna be stuck on the corner of your mouth on forgetful mornings, you might as well just go all in and empty a tube on your top lip and show off your minty fresh look. Just make sure your first stop is the market to pick up some more toothpaste to use for its actual purpose.
Samuel Mathias 